I haven’t written in a while. I am sorry. I am at one of those points in my life, where I can’t turn back, and I certainly can’t pretend nothing is happening. My life is in major transition. I have to completely shed an old life, to make space for a new life, and I mean this in many different ways.
If you have followed my blog or my life for a while, you know, my life has never been normal. My friends and family often say “your life is like a really crazy and interesting book, you should write a book!!” So today I will open up a little and write..
I moved from Hawaii to Florida, having never been here. I knew Florida needed school teachers and I happened to have a friend who was living in Florida and needed a roommate. With that, trusting my instincts to guide me, my son and I packed up and were on our way.
Florida has been a place for me where I have learned, grown, changed, cried, and healed. Constant state of transformation.
I started my adventure in Florida, teaching high school at a rough school, which taught me about some of the grim realities of our system. Poverty, education, crime. I know I taught my students a lot (though always a rebel, I rarely followed the curriculum). But even more, was how much my students taught me. How much the experience taught me. I still keep in contact with many of my former students, and it always feels so good, to hear how I impacted their lives..it truly was mutual.
During that time, I met and married a ‘punk seeming artist’ from Palm Beach, the grandson of a very famous celebrity. He was sweet and handsome, and a strong advocate for organic foods and a healthy diet, I thought I had found the perfect partner.
Being in a relationship with someone from Palm Beach, and teaching in the ghetto, I was being exposed to two extremes. During the day, I was in the poor side of town teaching History. Yet, oddly enough, often during my evenings, I was having a glass of wine with some of the high-society’ folks of Palm Beach and Jupiter. Did I fit in? No. Did I want to? NO!! Keep your fancy clothes and wine. Give me trees, a campfire, and a cup of herbal tea..
One thing I learned from my glimpse into ‘society’ world, is that money often creates a whole new set of problems. It truly does not buy happiness. And I also saw way too many people with terrible plastic surgery! Reminding me once again, that nature does it better and that true beauty radiates from the inside.
Soon after I married, my ex’s mental health began to rapidly deteriorate. I had ZERO experience with mental illness, so with his illness, I was in a nearly constant state of confusion and fear. After my ex’s first psychotic episode, I developed shingles. I had shingles severely on two lines of nerves. It was so painful. I lost 25 pounds. I was very sick. I quit my job as a teacher. I tried to dedicate my life to healing my own body and healing my partner. My body recovered. His illness kept coming and going. It was heartbreaking.
A little over a year after our marriage, and after some very scary moments and events, my ex finally moved out, and left the state. As soon as he left, I felt lighter. But I still had so much trauma to try to process. Legally, to this day, we are still married. But it has been over two years since I have seen him. And to this day, I have been living in a house we bought. But I know that to create and open up to a new life, I have to let this old life go. I have to cut all ties. I am ready. Beyond the anger and sadness, I truly wish him the best. Mental illness is very painful.
It was yoga, meditation, and Reiki that helped me stay sane during some pretty stressful experiences. I was able to shut my mind off, and tune into the present, and let go of all the pain, and fear. I was able to tap into a healing power, and tune into an energy of trust. I found comfort. I found tools to help me cope with life. I learned how to breathe.
It was also through amazing friendships, support from my family, my awesome radical community, performing, singing, playing ukulele, laughing, and skinny dipping in the ocean that helped keep me lit, glowing, and growing…
BUT, I had still closed my heart. And I had closed off my Sacral chakra too. I was done with relationships. I had no desire to be touched (no hanky-panky was going on). I had no desire to even let anyone near me. I was done with love, well, at least the romantic kind.
And then I had a weird dream, and it sent me to the Azores. I had no idea why I was called there. I know now, I was called there to heal and to help heal. I have so many magical stories and experiences that happened there. But one of the most beautiful stories, involves a beautiful, kind and funny man from a small village in Santa Maria. It was him who slowly, helped open my heart. So much magic and romance…There have been songs written about our love (seriously).
So now, here I am, in love with a beautiful Portuguese man, trying to figure out where to go from here. I feel my Florida chapter is coming to an end. My life is in major transition.I have to let go of my old life. It doesn’t fit anymore. What will my new life look like?? I don’t know. I take slow deep breaths. I feel my body expand. Miracles…
In gratitude, I shed the old and create space for the new.
Cheers to Spring Rituals…~Yogini Tiff
“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back.” ~Paulo Coelho